Once upon a time in my life I thought I would never be a Mother. I went thru alot of heartache, feeling very sorry for myself, feeling worthless and hating myself among other things. Living in the small town I grew up in , me and all of my friends and cousins were getting married around the same time, I was in about 15 weddings in let's say a 6 year timeframe, and then everyone starts having babies and me.......NOTHING, not for 1 or 2 years but for 5 years!!! I went thru horrendous infertility treatment. When we were growing up and everyone else was wanting to be Doctors, Nurses, Lawyers, Dental assistants, Teachers.......Not me...I just wanted to be a Mommy and be married. After all the time of friends and family kind of hiding from me or coming to my home to tell me they were pregnant as if to let me know gently, after hearing the remarks people say because you always have someone elses children with you and learning to just reply the same way when God is ready for me to have a baby I will, but really not putting all your faith in HIM, putting more faith in your Infertility Specialist because to you he was the person that would help you get pregnant!!!! BUT then one week 3 of my friends give birth to their beautiful children and it was as if I really was having a mental breakdown, I just threw my hands up in the air and said, "OK God if you want me to have children you are going to have to make it happen , because I can't do it anymore. I was spent mentally, physically and financially, and just could not get a hold of myself.................3 hours later we got a phone call that would change my life forever.........I named her Astrud. AND SHE WAS THE ABSOLUTE BLESSING OF MY LIFE. HE was just waiting for me to rely on HIM.
Monday, March 8, 2010
But sadly to say a year and a half later my marriage broke. I own that. IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT. After five years of being told when to do this and when to do that, the passion died for me. We had grown up together, our parents, grandparents and great grandparents had grown up together and when I left it hurt ALOT of people. Not my proudest moment. He was my best friend when he should have been my lover, but I lost that.
So there I was on my own with my baby girl, scared to death!!! Moved away from my small town into San Antonio knowing that everyone was either mad at me or severely disappointed in me. And when I say alot of people...remember its a small town, Have you ever been the talk or disappointment of a small town???? It's not pretty.
I was working in the OR at a San Antonio Hospital , and to alot of peoples dismay I met Frank. He worked in the same OR as I did. So now I was not only the hometown girl that totally went against the grain, I was a tramp , a bad mother and a horrible daughter , friend, and granddaughter according to THEM. And to top it all off he was MEXICAN.
(I KNOW ALL OF YOU ARE WONDERING WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS STORY....JUST PLEASE WAIT FOR IT, IT DOES HAVE MEANING. I HAVE NEVER TOLD THIS WHOLE STORY ON THIS BLOG, I DONT KNOW WHY NOW, I JUST THINK IT IS TIME)
We were friends for a while and I did fall head over heels, no turning back, in LOVE!!! And all the while I was actually afraid to tell him that I could not have children. So him and I along with Astrud which was 2 and his son Steven was 8 were moving along kind of like a little family. He had Steven and alway did have him. Then one day he told me that he needed to talk to me and I was so scared that he was gonna leave me. He says I have to tell you something!?!? And I said what.....he says I have 5 other children!!!! And you have to know that to me that was music to my ears!!! Frank s 10 years older than me and even though these other kids were a bit older , I DID NOT CARE!!!!! Then I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I could not have children , he then tells me that he had been "fixed" lol (good thing right....). To me it was a perfect match, he could give me what I could not give myself!!!! Thank you God!!! And 4 years later we were married and although just like any other marriage with its ups and downs....I am a truly BLESSED woman. Steven is MINE , and Astrud is HIS, and the relationship with the others (they lived far away), has grown into a true love story. Our kids are NOT our step children , they are all of our children, and they are NOT step brothers and sisters, they are all fiercely protective of each other, love each other, and even though Steven (Bubba), and Astrud, grew up in the same house, and are just like any other brother and sister, ALL of them spoil and love Astrud in a way that just makes my heart smile. I can't explain to you how I love these kids. I love them so much and are so proud of them sometimes it hurts!!! Chastity our oldest daughter is only 10 yrs younger than me, she is one of my Best friends. You cant imagine the looks that we get when she introduces me as her "Other Mother", To her I am Kris, to Craig I am Kma, to Christopher I am either Kristy but I get referred to as Mom, to Kellie I am Kristy, these kids have a wonderful mother and I am forever grateful that they are so graciously shared with me! I am otherwise Mom to the other two, and when I hear that word "MOM", it just never gets old!!! I just can't wait to see the love envelop Franceska by her big brothers and sisters, it will just complete that circle of life for me.
There are heartaches that comes with all of this and they are all in regards to my MOM, but there will be no tears on this post, I just rely on 3 simple words.....The Heart Remembers.....
And if any of you are wondering about all of Those people that judged Frank and I....well lets just say alot of Crow has had to be eaten. Everyone loves him, and feels blessed to have him by their side. God is good that way.
So in review here is a list of all my blessings:
First I have Frank , my incredible loving, giving, selfless husband that I just can't deserve but am so glad I have.......I have 3 INCREDIBLY HANDSOME sons, Steven 24, Christopher 30 and Craig 26, 4 AMAZING GORGEOUS daughters, Chastity 32, Kellie 22, Astrud 17 and soon to be Franceska, 3 ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL daughter in laws, Amy, Traci, and Megan, 1 EXCEPTIONALLY LOVING son in law, Jon, and now 3 of the most SPIRITED, ALLL BOY, CUDDLY AND SO CUTE I COULD EAT THEM UP WITH A SPOON GRANDBUTTONS, Joshua, Liam and Rory!!! For those of you who follow my blog no doubt you have seen multiple pictures of all these beautiful people!!!! I really should scan alot of old pictures one day of our kids so all of you can see them thru the years. One day when I have time I will do that.
OK for the reason of this post. On Saturday night my dearest, sweetest, oh so beautiful friend Gretchen told me she had a verse in the Bible that had ME written all over it. When she read it to me it left me with goosebumps and almost speechless......this is it.
"Sing O childless woman! Break forth into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, even though you never gave birth to a child. For the woman who could bear no children now has more than all the other women, " says the Lord. Enlarge your house; build an addition, spread out your home! For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will take over other nations and live in their cities.
Isaiah 54: 1-2
Now that leaves me speechless!!!! Thank you my Father in Heaven for blessing me beyond my wildest dreams. I promise even though I am an "Older" mother now, for I know this is all part of your plan, so bring Franceska home to us, and we will make you proud. And I will live the rest of my life for you, and with you, knowing that I am not worthy of the love you show me but I will live my life striving everyday to be more like you. Thank you Thank you Thank you.
Thank you to you to Gretchen, you know how much I love you.....
Some of you might be wondering what was the point to this post?????? Maybe there wasn't any point. Maybe I just wanted to share a part of me I had never shared before. But I do know that I just wanted to give credit where credit was due.......
Posted by Kristy at 7:36 PM