The Truth is..........Part 1

I have been wanting to do this post for a really long time but I also knew that it had to be the right time to do it for me. I do not want to offend anyone but at the same time I think well this is my blog, and I have always been a what you see is what you get kind of gal. I dont have any secrets and nothing to hide and I have always been honest on my blog so here it goes.......A while ago my friend Chrisite, Quint and Kiera's mommy did a really brutally honest post about her trip to China and I can remember reading it and my chest hurting because my heart was just breaking for her. But it was a honest and raw post and I admired her for that. Although our experiences in China were totally different I really wanted to be honest about our trip. God has really put this on my heart so the truth is......



First I have to start out by telling you that I am a hormonal mess, I won't even go into what my body is not doing and what it is doing because who cares right????? But what I will tell you is that I have experienced alot of things since my Total hysterectomy and just like so many years ago during all of my infertility treatments everytime I would get what seemed like the miracle drug or treatment that was going to work ....it always seemed that where I opened one door there were 2 or 3 doors locked behind it!!!! BUT I get all that now 20 something years later, I wasn't supposed to ever get pregnant because God already knew exactly what children were going to be mine and for that I just can't put into words how completely blessed I am and how thankful I am for all of my kids, they are my every dream come true, every dream!!!



Now I can't even take anything for my hotflashes and sweats because of other reasons so needless to say when we went to China in the summer, I was twice as hot or 10 times as hot as a normal person! I was soaking wet 110% of the time, I was not able to get cool at all, it was the first time in my life that I really took very cold showers and guess what???? I loved them!

NOW IS WHERE THE HONESTY STARTS COMING INTO PLAY.....


I did not fall in love with China. Now before I go any further I want to remind you that I AM A CHRISTIAN AND DARN PROUD OF IT, and that this is my blog and I figure I can say just about anything I want to here.........

It was a huge dose of culture shock for me. I did not go to China to be a tourist . I went to China to bring my daughter home. I had never been in such a Godless country. And it was so obvious to us, and in Beijing I found myself looking out the window one day and I just started weeping because my heart went out to all of the people of China because of this. It really weighed heavy on me and it made me sad.

Before I go on I have to tell you that I am a 43 year old woman that still gets very homesick when I am away from my momma and daddy, my children, my sisters, my neices, nephews and so on and so on.......but on this trip I was really homesick for my parents. I was so afraid something was going to happen and I would not be able to get home in time. I am pretty sure most of you know this but for those of you who dont, my mom is 69 yrs old and has had Alzheimer's for the past about 8 years. She didn't even know I was gone. The night before we left Beijing for Nanchang where our angel was I felt as if I couldn't breathe....here I was in a foreign country getting ready to get my babygirl , I was HOT, and miserable and not to mention hungry because nothing really tasted good to me, and oh how I missed ketchup and Iced tea!!! And even though I have what I think is the best husband in the whole world, the one person I really needed was my Momma. i was very emotional about finally getting Franceska. I almost couldn't even pick up the phone to call my daddy because I knew he would immediately hear my quivery voice and then his voice would immediately get the same way and I just didn't have the heart to say , Daddy I love you and I do want to talk to you but I really need to talk to Momma right now and friends I haven't had a real conversation with my Mom in about two years and we used to talk on the phone about 6 times a day or we would be at each others house. So here I am chest heavy and hurting from trying not to cry and I pick up the phone to call my daddy and when I hear his voice the only thing I can remember is hearing this animal like noise come out of my throat and I told him I am sorry Daddy but oh how I wish I could talk to Momma right now ....I then heard my daddy say , Kris I know , I wish you could talk to her too, and as he said it I could hear the crack ....the very crack that just gets to me when it happens to come out of my daddys mouth, it just breaks my heart. As I type this I have that same feeling in my chest as I did then, it is just a "hurt" that is so deep, it is like a wound in there.

I decided to tell him that I needed to put my Big girl panties on and that I would be okay and he told me he loved me and I told him that the next time I talked to him we would have his youngest granddaughter in our arms. Ok so I lied about the "okay" thing but I wanted to be okay for him, I hate it when he worries, but you know Im a parent to and have been for sometime now and I know that the "worry" thing is all part of it. That is a huge place of failure on my part, I know that God does not want me to worry, but I talk to Him all the time about how I fall short there, I am pretty sure He understands my heart.

When we got to Nanchang, every male person from the age of about 11 to 99 smoked , and they smoked inside , outside, in the elevators , right next to your dinner table....you get the picture right?????? The a/c system was not really good and because of the damp air and all the smoke my throat all the way down to my belly button felt raw!!! But I really didn't care, all I cared about was getting our babygirl. And it was in Nanchang that we started forming relationships with some of the other families, and I might add there is a couple of them that we pray our friendships and bonds last a lifetime. I have to be honest though I wasn't like most people, they were all dreamy eyed because they were in the city or area in which their children were born. I didn't see it that way, it was dirty, polluted , horrible air quality, and the odors , oh the odors, some of them I wondered if I would ever get out of my nose. The way I saw it was that I couldn't wait to get her out of there and get her home. Still it was weighing heavy on my heart that I was not falling in love with China, until a couple of incredible friends and sisters in Christ back here at home and mothers of children from China told me that I did not have to fall in love with China and to stop putting so much pressure on myself that I started to ease up on myself and after they told me that and after I know they were praying for me, I could start the pressure start to slough off of me.


Next Post: The day our Franceska was placed in our arms........