Oh babygirl how I wish I could see and touch your face. We are getting closer now and I am allowing myself to dream about what your little face will look like, how you will smell and feel. If you will look at me and cry or smile, or if you will reach out to me and touch my face with your sweet little hands. Or if you will just not want me at all, if you will want your Daddy first???
I am letting myself close my eyes and dream about the day that I first see your face. It does not matter where I am, if I am at work, or driving my car or even sitting at church I let myself dream. Your cousin Rayn left one of your Teddy Bears on the living room floor yesterday and as I sat in my office chair I looked in there and saw it and thought to myself , is that what it's going to be like when our girl is home????
I want you to know that you are so loved already without even knowing anything about you , not even knowing if you are born yet. Your Daddy who has always been the silent one , said the other day that he daydreams about you and thinks about you all the time. We pray for you, the nannies, all the babies, the waiting families, and all of the birth mothers everyday. For your birth mothers worst pain is going to turn in to my most joyous of all feelings. And yes that breaks my heart, but I pray that somehow she will know how much you are going to be loved by your BIG family. All of your brothers, sisters, sister in laws, aunts, uncles, and cousins are waiting patiently to get their arms around you.
The last thing I want to talk to you about is your Nonny , my Momma. First you will have the best Poppy in all the world and all of your life I will tell you the stories of how much a Hero he is to me . Not only for being my Daddy, but for the way he takes care of your Nonny.
You see Nonny has Alzheimers, she is only 66 years old and we are losing her more and more everyday. I need you to know that in her day to day life there are things she just does not know how to do anymore, we have to watch her every single second. But you need to know that everytime I say your name, she remembers immediately who you are and where you are coming from. She even expresses frustration because you are not home yet. It astounds me that she still knows about you, and it truly makes my heart smile. I know that God is keeping you in her heart, and I am so very thankful for that. I feel panic everyday that by the time you come home, she just won't know anything anymore, but I think I have learned to give it all to HIM. I can't do anything about it anyway so I will just continue to pray about it.
There are some things I want you to know about your Nonny. She was a stay at home Mom, to me, Aunt Kerry and Aunt Kim. Your Nonny never really drank alcohol but was always the life of the party. Now you have to know that she could cuss like a sailor and tell a really nasty joke like a beer drinking, tooth sucking, gut sticking out, crack showing hillbilly, but she always had a heart of gold. She was always quite a talker, and I would imagine thats where I got my gift of gab from. She was always laughing, and joking around all the time. There was a time back in the 80's that she cut darn near every boys hair in La Vernia High School. She would take a suburban full of guys after they graduated to City Public Service in San Antonio (electric co.), every tuesday since that was application day, just so they could get on there and have benefits and retirement and a good job. That is just the person she was , always looking out for others.
All thru school with all of the tryouts and this and that she always headed these things and always did all the work. Your Poppy was a railroad man so he was out of town monday thru thursday so most of this stuff was done while still being mom to us three girls, keeping the yard done, the house in order and also taking care of grandparents, and various other older relatives.
All three of us were in all sports, I was a Cheerleader, in Dance Team, FHA, 4-H, all three of us raised show hogs and sheep and she never falted on any of it. She was at every single thing we did. I will never forget the look on her face the night I was crowned Homecoming Queen, I looked up to the crowd and I will never forget the look on her face. I was a typical teenager with the typical teenager attitude at times and I can remember thinking that she was so old fashioned , etc, etc. etc. and now that Astrud is 16 , and probably really thinks I'm a dork that does not know anything , I feel guilty for having those same thoughts about my momma.
Franceska I need you to know that at an earlier time in this life , your Nonny would have loved you so much. She would have been so incredibly proud of you. She would have given you things even when she knew that I would say no, she would have constantly taken you shopping, you see your Nonny has always been about clothes, clothes and more clothes. She would have cheirshed every single second she had with you . I know all of this because it is exactly what she did with your big sister Astrud and big brother Bubba. I can't tell you how many little trains, cars, dolls, the hard plastic ones, (lol) , just things like that, that they both have had thru the years because Nonny would be in a Dollar General, Family Dollar, or a Wal Mart somewhere and would just have to buy them something. It was always something that they just would put on the dresser or something, but it was from Nonny!!!!
I want so badly to know that when I am loving on her that she really "feels" it, I want so badly to see her with you while she still knows who you are, I want to see one of her real smiles as she looks at you ,but I don't know if that will happen. I just want you to know how much she would have loved you. She has always been the Perfect Nonny. She learned from the best...you see her Mom was my Granny and my Daddy's mom was my Grandma , and let me tell you it just didn't get any better than that!!!! God bless you little girl. My prayer is that God will put a hedge of protection around you, and hold you in his arms until we can get there to bring you home. Please , please CCAA speed things up so we can all get to our babies. I don't have any more fight left in me, I just really want my girl to come home.
I love you , Mommy
I apologize for having such a heavy post, but it is just what I am feeling today. I know all of you will understand.